May 24, 2009

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have
sufficient courage so that now as always, Christ will be exalted in my body.”
Philippians 1:20

I am reminded of something I recently read in one of my most beloved stories of the Chronicles of Narnia. In the Silver Chair, as Prince Rillian, Pole, Scrubb, and Puddleglum find themselves at the center of the earth in a dark place fighting against the Witch’s spell, Puddleglum makes a remarkable stand against the denial of his existence and of all that he holds dear,

“Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those
things---trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself.
Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up
things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this
black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as
a pretty poor one. And that’s a funny thing, when you come to think of
it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four
babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world
hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play-world. I’m on
Aslan side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as
like a Narnia as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia.”

My heart beats wildly as I read this। To be this courageous in the darkest of hour while being brutally attacked by the ancient serpent of lies fills my heart with hope. I have recently been ransacked by this same evil in this story. The enemy has been viciously throwing not darts or arrows but deadly poisonous javelins of doubt in my heart. I sadly, have allowed some to penetrate and cause some serious injury; nonetheless the Lord in His love and mercy led me to this story which brought a healing balm to my bleeding heart. You see, lately I have been examining the path that I’ve been chosen to take and it is so painful. I confess that I have waged a secret rebellion in my mind as a poor response to the call of relinquishing God given desires for motherhood, marriage, and calling; while the enemy shrieks the message of “He doesn’t really love you.” The enemy has been attacking the very nature of God’s goodness.

Having a progressive disease is a life long grievous journey and in the moments of peering down the foggy road of uncertainty, I have forgotten that He is calling me to be courageous by choosing to walk by faith and not by sight। In my case, the phrase “Christ will be exalted in my body” is quite literal. I have been chosen to display His glory and beauty in a fragile and unlovely body where my dependence on God is equivalent to that of an infant. This morning’s sermon was about how Paul must have felt as he found himself in prison for the remainder of his life after having had the privilege of freedom to travel all over the Roman empire. He too must have visitations from the Witch slyly hissing him to renounce all that he held dear in that dark confinement. Yet he took the path that Puddleglum chose, he purposed it in his heart to live courageously allowing Christ to be glorified at all cost, even his freedom. I was reminded by the Lord to do the same today. I still have the longings and the road still is foggy, however He speaks gently and says, “Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.” Isaiah 50:10