Express mail

"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear. I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

Fear. Webster's definition is "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." Fear is an emotion that often arises out of perceived danger rather than the true threat of bodily harm. When fear is experienced, one is compelled by an insatiable
urge to apease terror's screaming demands under the delusion of control. If I were to summarize the battle cry of my heart, it would be the above. The Lord has been cornering me to face and stare boldly in the eye of the perceived monster I have been delusionally running away from all of my life. The monster is not real, however like Jacob, I have been wrestling with the One no one can contend with; rebelling to accept His chosen path for me. Sadly, I have been fighting Him tooth and nail to cling to the illusion that I have control of my life. I have been fueled by the enemy's primary weopon . . . fear. Fear to accept the reality of the path the Lord has chosen for me to walk through. It seems strange that at this time of my life, I have been facing the core of my greatest fear, to relinquish and accept this disease He has chosen me to bear. To accept that He only knows how bad it is going to get. While I stare at the dark path of uncertainty, He bids me to blindly trust that He is good and wants to give me life abundantly. To trust Him that He alone can satisfy my most deepest longings and desires in His time not mine.

It is such a paradox much like losing or dying to one's life in order to find it. I have no control, but He does. He sustains me with His own hand as he reminds me not to be afraid because He promises to hold my hand and help me walk on the path. He gave me that promise during the darkest period of my life as an undergraduate student at Biola University. About 11 years ago, I found an envelope in my student mailbox containing a small rectangular piece of card board with the verse above written in marker. No name, simply the word of God at a time when I was truly enslaved by dark forces that left me feeling out of God's reach of His love and grace. The promise still unshakably stands firm. It is my anchor as the ship is battered by the waves of the storm. As I look back on who I was when I held that priceless piece of cardboard and who I am now, there is no shadow of doubt that He never let go of me. He has reminded me that He never will.

Breakfast served

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:18

It is amazing how the Lord speaks to us in gentle whispers amidst the competing shrieks of the world, our flesh, and the enemy. This morning I awoke with a deep and aching sadness in my heart. I procrastinated a bit to sit in quietness of heart before Him and ruminated of ways I could soothe myself. I could hear the enemy's flaming arrows shrieking "where is the fulfillment!" I opened the word and I came across the verse above while fighting the temptation to dismiss it as mere coincidence rather than an intentional message from the KING. I sat with the reality of my ache not sure if desire had been stirred by Him or by my flesh, nonetheless the ache was real and was being seduced to recruit the old idols for immediate gratification instead of waiting for true relief to come down from the mountain. I felt a gentle reminder of manna, the daily portion of bread from heaven given to the Israelites in the desert. I then continued with my study of the book of Leviticus and it so happened that I read chapter 11 where it speaks of the dietary regulations and the very last part the Lord says, "You must distinguish between the unclean and the clean" Leviticus 11:47. Then the Lord put it on my heart to read Rick Joyner's daily devotional http://www.morningstarministries.org/Groups/1000022226/MorningStar_Ministries/Media/Daily_Devotional/Daily_Devotional.aspx

and what do you suppose it was about. . . . manna!

Even as I am writing this, I am processing the Lord's message for me today. I believe that at times He awakens a deep and gnawing ache that only He can soothe, however He seldom chooses to do so completely, at least while we are on this earth. Would I keep seeking His face and glory if I were incandescently satisfied. . . most likely not. He does provide the daily manna to sustain while we are on the journey. He knows why my heart ached this morning and how desire was fiercely stirred recently. I had to choose between the clean and unclean sustenance I was to partake; between the uncleanliness of selfish methods of coping (we all have them) or the food that He provides. I chose this morning to bring Him my longing and in return He gave me my manna, a future promise of hope and fulfillment. Soon after that, my heart stopped aching (it was the weirdest thing!) and have gone about my day. Each day, the Lord invites us to seek the bread from heaven, Christ Himself. He speaks. . . we only have yet to listen.

The Road Map

July 15, 2009

"He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father
has set by his own authority." Acts 1:7

I have been prompted by the Lord to continue writing as of two weeks ago. . . much like Jonah . . . I have his avoidant tendencies. Praise be to the Lord that He has not sent a gargantuan aquatic creature to remind me to do God's will! In all honesty, I am glad I have had two weeks to process the Lord's continual working hand in my life. Much has happened and it has been both exhilerating and heart breaking. During these past two weeks, the Lord has asked me to give up someone in my life. It is one of the most painful experiences to be asked to turn over a substitute that partially satisfies the chasm of an unmet desire. The experience feels like one's heart is being ripped apart. I saw that He was asking me to trust Him blindly; to hand over the golden calf and to trust that He will satisfy even when I can't see the promise, I just know my promise was given to me directly by Him.

I have often written about the transformative journey through the desert, which is a necessary road we must all take when we follow the King. The Lord NEVER let's us know the exact duration of our crossing but He does gives us the promise of a land flowing with milk and honey. All of us who embark on this journey have been called to fufill our destiny and purpose. He instills desires that ache deeply and then asks us to walk through the desert without a map, only carrying a promise of our calling and purpose while instructing us to follow the cloud of His glory. I am convinced that the Lord is raising a new army for the coming battle we will face. Many of us have a promise, however see nothing but sand for miles ahead. As I am writing this, He is reminding me that He purifies and trains us in the desert in order to receive the gift which He so graciously longs to give.

A Jar's Reflection

June 29, 2009

"I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your
hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and
a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from
prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.” Isaiah
42:6-8

I am still sitting here pondering the events of this weekend. Many opportunities to foster relationships from a six year old child to friends in their twenties, to a 16 year old girl in the worship ministry earlier today. In all this I ponder on what it truly means to be a follower of Jesus and the fine thread between self-gratification and pure unadulterated worship. To obey and act simply as Jesus did, to bring joy to the Father. If I am truly honest with myself and the Lord, not all of the “good works” done this weekend were done altruistically, infact one of the unmistakable signs was the exhaustion I felt by Sunday night. I was operating on the “I am enough” mode versus “I am bringing an offering of praise” mode.

The Lord put it on my heart to read Leviticus . . . notorious for the somewhat dry content and lack of action packed drama. It provides VERY detailed instructions on the manner of worshipping under the Old Covenant. Many Christians fail to read it under the pretense that since we are now under the New Covenant therefore everything prior, especially the Pentateuch, is obsolete. One of the revelations that the Lord is showing me is the sanctity of who He is which is reflected upon how we approach worship. The sacredness and holiness is often missing from our “worship” services or even our acts of worship. I once again am confronted with the sin of guilt. The guilt offering is when “a person commits a violation and sins unintentionally in regards to any of the Lord’s holy things” Leviticus 5:14. When I do, or as we so easily assert “doing the work of the Lord,” am I doing it for me or for Him? Am I doing it truly as an act of worship to my sacred God or am I doing it because I feel productive and purposeful. As I read this book, I am reminded that because He is holy therefore the works I do for Him are made holy as well, as were the offerings of old.

Despite the motives, I am humbled at how He chooses to use us. . . cracked, unshapely, fragile, bland jars of clay to work his purpose of freeing the captive from darkness and to heal the eyes of the blind. It has nothing to do with us and ALL to do with Him. I am saddened at what Christianity has become today, especially in a culture such as this when the self is at the forefront of all, even in our church. I am guilty of this also. In spite of this, He is choosing once again to reveal His untamable, terrifying yet loving character to me in the desert. He is indeed an AWESOME GOD worthy of our worship!

Adrenaline Junkie

June 15, 2009
“Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs. In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow. And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness. The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way.” Isaiah 35:6-8

I am reminiscing and sad at being back to my desert. I can imagine that for the prophet Daniel, having direct visions and revelations from the Lord must have been one wild spiritual rollercoaster ride! I imagine that after wards, as he went back to the mundane affairs of his job and life, there must have been left a painful yearning for the thrill of God’s supernatural manifestation. As I began my day, I felt the exhilaration of experiencing the Lord like I did this weekend, however I found myself feeling sad and frustrated at the reality of my day. No fireworks or battle cries, just the quietness of my office and the tasks on my desk.

In the desert the scenery is the same for miles ahead. I visited a dear brother and sister in the Lord whom the Lord called to minister in a small town close to the Arizona state line this weekend. The analogy between their spiritual journey these past four years and the location where the Lord called them to is uncanny. The Lord showed me the transformative power of the desert. The desert is where the Lord trains after He calls, as He did with these dear servants of the living God. I am still processing what the Lord showed me and how clearly He supernaturally spoke to me. That was a great ride! Nonetheless, I am off the ride and am back to the reality of the desert to which the Lord has called me to, to the place where He provides the daily manna and the quail; the place where He consecrated Aaron as priest. It is the place where we are consecrated and made holy and become a “pleasing aroma, an offering made to the Lord by fire.” Exodus 29:41.

Bling Bling

June 8, 2009

“So do not fear, for I am the Lord your God, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

As I am writing and reading this, I am humbled and comforted by these words from God, reason being is that I have felt pretty crummy before the Lord today (God knows why) and I have been debating whether to write this because I don’t feel “spiritual enough.” That’s just it. . . I will never be enough to God, at least by my own means. I admit that even as a follower of Jesus Christ, the old self, with all its impurity and vileness resurfaces in a disguise that can camouflage and fool even mature Christians, it is religious piety. In an effort to be enough before the King, we can resort to immersing zealously in doing Christianity instead of simply being like the one we claim to follow.

On Wednesday of last week, the Lord gave me a very interesting dream that I quite didn’t understand until now. I was in a country where its religion permeates every sector of its culture and society, in fact their cultural identity is tied to its strict religious traditions. I was a spectator in what looked like a parade. I then saw a float covered with Christian iconography and décor. Beautiful gold frames encased pictures of Christ along with vibrant red drapery and somber candles. As I saw the float go by my heart ached with sadness as this country witnessed a representation of Christianity that was covered in religiosity. You see this isn’t a discourse on denominational criticism but rather a revelation of the pride I succumb to when my eyes are on myself rather than the King. I can turn even the gifts that the Lord has graciously lavished on me into prideful spiritual bling-bling that shows off what a “great” Christian I am. In days like today, when I fall flat on my face, He graciously reminds me that I will be upheld by His righteousness rather than my own, by His strength not by my piety. I am humbled and relieved.

Webster's lesson

June 1, 2009

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so
that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans
15:13 (New International Version)

It’s funny how the Lord uses the strangest methods to speak. Today I stayed home from work because my body once again had a mind of its own and decided that I needed rest. As I laid on an extremely comfortable recliner in a state of consciousness that was more REM than awake, I heard a preacher say the above verse since my mother had left the living room radio on a local Christian station. Even in a sleepy state I felt my spirit jumped as I heard the phrase “May the God of hope.” The only part of the message that I recall is when the preacher gave the definition of hope, which he defined as confidence. According to Webster’s definition, hope is “to desire with expectation of obtainment: to expect with confidence : to trust” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope).

I went to sleep last night praying and meditating on a ministerial desire that is so wildly ludicrous for someone such as me (God knows what it is). It transcends all other desires that are more normative of human experience . . . it has to do with my calling and purpose. I once read that until one is walking in the calling which the Lord destined for us to fulfill, we are not truly at peace. I agree. The challenge is the process of transformation and equipping that occurs in the desert between being rescued from slavery in Egypt and the promise land flowing with milk and honey. I prayed like Abraham last night. I prayed for something virtually impossible but God given; and I believed God. However, I am also studying the book of Exodus and am grudgingly realizing that the Lord’s perfect time is FAR slower than my impatient desire for warp speed ahead. I guess that is why Paul asserts that the overflow of hope can not occur without the Divine power to carry it out by the Holy Spirit. True hope goes against our human nature because it founded on faith. Faith is the “certainty of what we can not see” Hebrews 11:1.

I am not alone in the wandering through the desert on the way to the promise land. Much like the Israelites griped and contended with the Lord during their 40 year journey, I have done the same during my eight year journey and counting. I am grateful for the reminder today of what He teaches in the desert. . . trust.